TUMBLING BLOCKS

Remember playing with tumbling blocks when you were little?
The utmost concentration and effort on your face then?
As a kid, I was pretty stubborn and strong-willed.
I had so much positivity, discipline and faith in myself.

Everything has changed since then.
I've weathered to this weak, miserable being that I despise.
It just takes one block to fall, and everything comes down along with it.
It doesnt matter anymore the effort that I've put in, building it all up.
I let myself get carried away and I just dont know how to correct it.

It just needs one thing to go wrong, everything else will.
I need some assurance, sweet words to help myself grow stronger.
I want someone to lead me out of the black tunnel.
I dont know where to start ...
And i dont know if I have the strength to start building up the blocks again.

Footnote: My sister got the SATs job. I didnt.
I know I'm being selfish coz I've been moody and didnt give her the encouragement she needed.
But I cant help it. Especially when everything is going her way and nothing is going my way.
I guess it adds up to the frustration and depression.
She has a great someone beside her. Someone who gives her the support and love she needs.
She has a telephone buddy ( who calls her everynight ).
She just got a job that I wanted badly.
Basically, shes not lonely. But I am.
Gosh, I'm a bad and selfish sister. ;(. I hate feeling this way.

I'm sorry for all my mistakes dear god.
But I need your guidance and love to help me out of this situation.
I cant go through this test all alone.
I'm lost. I really am. I'm sorry. Please help me.

EMORUSH

I cant meet/see him.
This happens everytime we meet.
I'll experience a surge of emotions.
And it aches me to know that the feeling is not mutual.
This puts me on the confusion stand.
I yearn to meet him but hate the whirlwind feelings after.

It was simple back then. Not anymore.
Gosh, how do I stop this?

Spent an entire day with him today.
It was nice in the begining.
But I screwed it up towards the end.
I let my emotions get the better of me.
He could feel/sense it too.
But he didnt make it any better.
At some points he was being an ass.
But I dont hold it against him. Coz I started it.
Had that moody expression plastered on my face.
I appeared very distant.
Not my jovial, perky self.
Even ignored him at some points.
He knows what was going through my head. I'm sure of that.

Why did I feel that way?
I know the answer.
It finally happened and I was expecting something else.
Sweet comforts and endearing acts.
But that didnt take place. Thats the reason why I got pissed.
In one way or another, I was glad it happened.
But I was also shaken and sad. It was important to me.
But he didnt take the effort to convince me it was going to be alright.

On a lighter note,
I can feel my hair curling back.
Ooh. Thats a scary thought. I better do something about it. Fast.