My sleep was shortlived today.
After a midnight game of Monopoly with my siblings, I was tired.
Kakak Liz woke me up and told me of plans to go to Sentosa.
The ?huh? expression was plastered on my face.
I brushed her aside and tried to get back to sleep.
Again, she disturbed me. This time round she succeeded.

Groggily, I woke up and got ready.
Gonna spend the day with Dino and Azam.
Scraped the idea of Sentosa and proceeded to town instead.
Had a wonderful lunch at zam-zam tho'.
Walked aimlessly around town and witnessed some performances.
Bumped into Mardi and Hida. Was a pleasant surprise. Talked a bit then went hme.

The last 3 days were crazy.
It all started at 0200hrs, Tuesday, 11062002.
Too many shocking revelations.
With a strong heart and an open mind I took it all.
To close ones, hurt was written in my face.
Others, were simply fooled by my cheerful antics.
A pretty good actress I am. We all are.
Sometimes I see life as an act
Talking about it is hard, forgetting it is harder.
When you dont forget or talk about it, it lingers in your head,
And that is the hardest.

Slept the entire day! -- whats new huh? :)

Got nothing much to say today.
Guess I exhausted all my words with yesterday's 4 entries huh?
Got somethings off my chest. Doesnt mean its solved tho'.
Oh yeah. Finally watched spiderman! on vcd. Was good.

I'll say goodnight for now.
Will wait for the phone call a little longer. -hope-

June 12 2002. You will turn 22.

Amazing how 3 yrs flew past us. Along with it, it took away the bond.
A bond that I thought was tight. Still, the sweet memories remain.
I cant be for sure whether I would like for them to stay.
They haunt me. They scare me. They hurt me.
But thats weakness.
I should embrace the memories and smile as I thank god that our paths met.
It might be for a short period of time, but I know that I was once loved and treasured by you.

June 12 2002. I will call you.
Please answer the phone then. Treat me good, treat me sweet.
I need the confidence and assurance that love is alive. For now at least.
Will slowly and gradually try to pass through this time. Have faith lyds!

He's been on my mind again.
Hmm .. then again,
When did he ever left that mind of mine?

Time and consequences drove us apart.
Guess we failed the test of time and ever-lasting love.
Even our friendship has deteriorated.
Talking seems like a forbidden thing now.
Always busy and never have time for me now.

This is driving me insane.
I'm trying so hard to revive this relationship.
A relationship he once said had no name to it.
We were friends, family, business partner, lovers and
boy! The list goes on ..
That was in the past.
We live in the lifes of strangers now.

He knows his worth to me.
But that doesnt seem to sway his mindset.
He still choose to avoid and stay away.
Why? That stinging question playing over and over in my head.
I know I'm tired but I always manage to muster strength for him.

-Shrug-
Thought it was simply lust at first.
But I know this is love. This feeling scares me. Strange isnt it?
Always thought that love wd be associated with the finer things.
Never expected "love"; "scare" and "strange" to appear in one sentence.
Maybe thats god's way of telling me that it is not meant to be.
But thats just an assumption. Or is it?

Know what I hate about myself sometimes?

Knowing that I have great friends and a family,
To console me when someone do me wrong.
But I simply shut them off
Seems that I prefer to indulge in self-pity and depression.
Sounds stupid huh? I know.
But thats what I do.
Constantly trying to find reasons to why I'm treated that way.
Perpetually hurting myself with paranoia and an enquiring mind.
I THINK TOO MUCH! -damn; ouch-

Went off to JB for 2 days.
It was a refreshing and fantastic family affair.
Had dinner at the Puteri Pan Pacific Hotel on Saturday.
Whisked off to Jurong Birpark for the SMOU family day the nxt day.

Was feeling very moody and down on Saturday.
Felt all alone and depression sank into my weak heart.
Funny I felt that way when I was around my family.
However, soon, very very soon, they brought a smile upon my face.
Guess thats the wonder and gift of a family!
They can upset you terribly and make it alright again in matter of seconds.

After all the ramblings about how alone i feel sometimes,
I guess I am indeed blessed with a big family.
True, there are times when all 7 of them irritate the living hell outta me.
But at the end of the day, it is my family who are constantly there.
The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people
I might never even introduce myself to, had life not done it for me.

Thank you god for my sisters, brother and loving parents.